


for all that starts must end

by lankybandmates



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band), One Direction (Band)
Genre: Blood, Depression, If You Squint - Freeform, Rape, Trigger Warnings, Triggers, i am trash, i make louis an ass, im so sorry don't kill me, louis stans don't read, michael stans don't read either i guess, slight PTSD, slight harry/michael, this is my first fic am i doing this right
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-19
Updated: 2016-02-19
Packaged: 2018-05-21 23:00:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,437
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6061351
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lankybandmates/pseuds/lankybandmates
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>it is human knowledge that when something so traumatic happens, it is understandably  classified as the the before and the after.<br/>the “calm before the storm,” when the events leading to the break are building up. when all could be called fine.<br/>this is the before.<br/>then, the world seemingly crumbles and you are left with ashes. the “breaking of the dam.”<br/>this, of course, is the after.</p>
            </blockquote>





	for all that starts must end

**Author's Note:**

> trigger warnings -- blood , rape , depression

it is human knowledge that when something so traumatic happens, it is understandably classified as the the before and the after.  
the “calm before the storm,” when the events leading to the break are building up. when all could be called fine.  
this is the before.  
then, the world seemingly crumbles and you are left with ashes. the “breaking of the dam.”  
this, of course, is the after. 

This is what we call the before

Before is when Harry pulled Michael into the service closet and pressed Michael up against the door and kissed him like he was all he ever wanted 

 

Before is when Michael realized with pang that it's was and Louis and Harry, not Michael and Harry

 

Before is when Michael realized he didn't care 

 

Before is when Louis did

 

Before is when Louis slapped Harry across the face for cheating on him with Michael 

 

Before is when Louis's eyes widened and Harry stared shell shocked 

 

Before is when they were through

 

Before is when Louis broke into Michael’s hotel room because everyone else was out partying but  
Michael of course stayed back 

Before is when all Louis could think was "I need to hurt you. as bad as you hurt me." 

A glimpse into the human mind will show that when a person experiences something so horrible, the brain will try to keep the memory out. There is, of course a before and an after.. So where there is a beginning and an end, there must always be, somewhere, a middle. 

This is called the during. 

During is when Michael was crying out because he was so fucking scared and Louis still would not stop

During is when Michael’s hands were pinned to his head board and despite him having at least six inches on Louis he couldn't do anything 

During is when Louis's hand was stroking the pale skin on Michael’s stomach and then when Michael knew

During is when his bandanna was shoved into his mouth and he was pressed into the bed

During is when Michael started to cry 

 

During is when Michael shook with the thought of how this will always be the way he remembers the loss of his virginity 

During is when Louis reached down to pull down Michael boxers and Michael kicked with all he had until Louis finally ripped them off 

During is when Michael stopped feeling 

During is when his hands felt numb and his brain felt blurry and his hips felt like stones

During is when there was sudden pain ripping through Michael and he screamed through his gag

During is when Michael sobs and screams because he feels like he's being split open, and the pain is like white hot fingers shooting from his back and stemming to every fiber in his being, settling like lead in his blood.  
his bones.  
his skin. 

 

And when things start, they must always end.

This is the after. 

After is when Louis shakes and whimpers and pulls out 

After is when Louis untied his bruised wrists and leaves with a smirk and purr of 'have you learned your lesson'

After is when Michael curls into a ball in the middle of the bed and tries to ignore the sticky feeling of blood and cum on him and tries his hardest not to completely sob right then and there because he knows Calum is going to return soon and Calum can't see him like this Calum can't

After is when Michael drags his wrecked body out of the bed and tries to ignore the sting of pain ripping through his body and tries to dress himself as best he can and remembers crumbling when he realizes his shirt is torn and his sweat pants are caked in blood

After is when Michael still slips on the pants and his sweater slips off his shoulder because the sleeve was ripped open

After is when Michael forces himself to walk on wobbly legs to the bathroom where he vomits in the toilet and stays there after, dry heaving and forcing himself to not start crying, do not cry god damn it 

After is the feeling of sobs wracking his body

After is when he tears the sheets from that goddamn bed and heaves them into the washroom to try in vain to rinse the blood from the sheets

After is when he gives up trying to remove the blood from the sheets because there was just so much and Calum's already pulled up to the hotel and Michael can't stop crying so he gives up and pulls his knees to his chest and tries to shut out the world

After is when Calum enters the hotel and he sees the blood and he hears Michael sobs and sees how Michael’s pale skin is now a canvas of colour blossoming

After is when Calum's world fell apart

After is when Calum held Michael, rocking them back and forth, back and forth, like they were still in kindergarten and Michael had fallen on the playground and scraped his knee. and now Calum wants to laugh because how goddamn stupid were they to cry over a cut knee when now Michael has been torn open and emptied and all he can do is cry

After is when Calum removed Michaels shirt and trackers and helped him into the shower where he witness Michael scour his skin until he was rubbed pink and scratched over from the nail brush he used and Calum couldn't blame him because he wanted to do the same

After is when Calum held Michael through the night where neither of them really did sleep but it helped Michael to pretend that Michael could feel normal after this

After is when Calum told Ashton and Luke and Ashton's face drained of colour and Luke collapsed with a sad sigh before crumpling completely 

After is when Ashton barged into Michael’s hotel room and held him tight

After is when Luke told Liz, who sank into the couch and started to cry and Liz held Luke and Luke held her and Liz stroked Luke's hair before whispering 'How do I tell Karen that I failed at protecting her son'

After is when Liz dials the Clifford's and Karen answers and Liz's resolve crumbles because Karen was certain it was Michael on the phone

 

After is when Karen screams into the phone and Liz cries with her 

After is when there’s a knock at his hotel room and he opens it only to be tackled in a bear hug and Harry is sobbing into Michael’s hair because god how could something so simple end up so messy 

After is when they pack and leave the hotel but they can never get far enough away for him to forget

After is when Michael lies in bed and stares at the ceiling and wishes hotels could be a little more creative in their damn ceiling choices because he's miles away but this is the same ceiling he stared at weeks ago

After is when the final bow when all nine boys were onstage at once and Michael was certain he was going to throw up right then because they were all together and he was terrified 

After is when they leave America and leave the Take Me Home tour and leave the hotel and leave the tour does the pain still stay

After is when was Michael not okay

 

But please, don’t fret.

Because while there is the before and the during and the after there is still one more

this, is long after 

long after is when Calum held Michael through the night again. and now Michael found he could sleep again. 

long after is when Luke and him went to the beach at midnight and they listened to the crash of the waves. and Michael’s mind, he found, could be as quiet as the night. 

long after when Ashton played Blink 182 in his car stereo. and Michael found that screaming the lyrics at the top of his lungs felt okay again. 

long after when Liz brought him back the take out from the diner she and Luke went to. and Michael found that he could eat again.

long after is when Harry visited him in his house in LA. and Michael found that yeah, maybe it was okay to kiss again. 

long after is when Michael wrote his feelings into a song, years later. and found that so many others could feel like him. that he had a family bigger than any dream. 

long after is when Michael was okay.

**Author's Note:**

> thatt was my first fic. yikes.


End file.
